Embracing vulnerability to find a new normal

It it amazing that it had been over 2 years since I last wrote in this space. 

There is no question that I have, for the better part of my adult life, become something of an expert at making excuses. About anything. I would not call myself a procrastinator by any stretch, but when it comes to me and taking care of myself, let's just say I could have written a book on how not to accomplish those things which eluded me. 

Some significant personal changes over the past couple of months have left me with some (okay, more than some) spare time to consider just what it is that I am doing, where I am going and what it is that I am chasing. 

One of the biggest obstacles in my journey has been vulnerability. Or, perhaps better stated, my inability to come to grips with said vulnerability, to embrace it. 

In a very tangible way, my journey had been a failure over the past several years. After starting my journey (and running) at 355 pounds, I got down to 206 pounds through, shall we say, less than ideal means. In a short time, I was back up to 250 and hovered between 230 and 240 for the bulk of my marathoning time. Then, about 4 years ago, things changed. I let go. A lot. But this is another topic for another time. 

The point being, I was blinded by my own ignorance, stuck in a maze of self-deprecating thoughts. A failure or a simple lack of willingness to admit that I needed to be the star of my own team, the lead actor in my own epic story. And I am. I always have been. Until recently though, I had been little more than a bench player or an extra, sitting by idly. It is wholly okay for me to be where I am right now, knowing that I will continue to do the things necessary to be better, every day. 

So I sit here today at 275 pounds, still down 80 from my original starting point, but with something of a renewed focus, filled with gratitude and sweat and is fueled by my own thoughts and efforts. And it feels "right". I am not seeking a finish line or an end point. It is not about "chasing the thing", but rather being the truest, most authentic version of myself that is possible. All of which would be a first. That is the beauty of it all. I want this life for the rest of my years, however long that may be. Building and growing your tribe is essential - something that I will touch upon repeatedly down the road. 

I will continue to post here weekly, discussing topics that I have come across that I have found interesting and would like to share. It would mean a great deal to me for you to subscribe by email on the banner to the right. I am not a spammer and certainly appreciate the gesture. 

Much peace. Much love and gratitude.