Every now and again, I must admit, I still feel like a little bit of an outsider looking in. Admittedly, thanks to the gift that has been and continues to be running, I have been able to take a much more active role in my own existence. It's funny that even after having dropped 125 pounds and keeping it off for about 7 years, regardless of the marathons, training groups, whatever have you, I still see "fraud" in the mirror, almost daily. My Type A, all-or-nothing personality almost mandates this to be the case. I am sick of that person in the mirror, the likes of which is it nearly paralyzingly painful to assemble into a coherent sentence.
By the time 2010 comes to an end, I will have run about 500 miles more than in 2009 - an incredible accomplishment. Still, I am greatly disappointed in myself. The most important goal for 2010, in my eyes, was to get my weight down to the level I wanted - about 200 pounds. Never in my adult life have I seen that number on the scale, unless someone else was being weighed.
It is ridiculous, I understand, to consider this entire journey a failure given all things accomplished, amazing people met and experiences had. Too, there are so many more miles to be run, races to be finished, memories to be made.
With all of the successes over the past few years, it amazes me equally how easy it is to toss my soul - my very being, if you will, under some mythical bus that exists, at least from what others tell me, in my own mind. How unfortunate.
Never let it be said that I desire to be "that person" who enjoys beating up on himself. In the same breath, it almost appears that may be the case. Reaching some perhaps arbitrary weight goal may [or may not] lead to a certain sense of relief, complete with a release of this omnipresent tension that seems to virtually suffocate me at times. Hardly exaggerating, it is difficult if not impossible to make it minutes without considering nutrition choices past, present and future.
I am not sure what to make of all of this other than to say I will continue to work to be better, hoping to find "it", whatever that may be... that perhaps singular notion, feeling or thing that can help me dial in to my journey just a little bit more.
Again, I say... This is who I am today. I could be better. I could be worse. However I will always work to better than the day before.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
About Me
- Dan
- NJ, United States
- A former 355-pound man, Dan has continued his journey, complete with ups and downs, and has begun to devote his life to helping others through their journeys.
2 comments:
i just wrote a long comment but it got eaten up. boo.
but the gist of it was that it sucks to not hit the goal you wanted. a lot. but i've enjoyed knowing you so far this year and seeing you progress. this will just give you fuel for 2011 and i can't wait to watch it!
I feel like that sometimes too - especially now as I am higher in weight than I want to be after being at a place I felt thoroughly happy with my weight. (ok maybe a bit bony through the upper body honestly) But still. Since I got heavier, I ran a marathon, ran my first and second half marathon, and I'm about to run my 2nd marathon. I learned to row right around the time I started to gain the weight, my boat scored 1st at a regatta at this weight, I'm still a healthy weight for my height - but because I didn't take this past year to get back down in weight I feel so defeated. I need to cut out the self beatings as well. I've maintained 110+lbs of loss, still at a healthy weight, achieved SO MUCH athletically. The number on the scale is bugging me and the fact that I can't wear one of my pairs of jeans cause they're too tight. :P
(This is zircadia from RWOL btw)
Post a Comment