Releasing the hangups

Patriots Day. Boston Marathon day.  In whichever way you choose to label it, a glorious day on so many levels of humanity. A part of me, as it is well known, struggles with it all at the same time. The celebration of the human spirit, the reward of time, energy, and emotion spent in preparing to run 26.2 challenging miles on a course that would be considered "less than easy" by most, is nothing short of inspiring. And that, unfortunately, is where some of my deepest my running struggles begin.

Long have I held the ideas of that which I should be - in many areas of my life. For the purposes of this exercise though, we will restrict the topic to running. There have been beautiful moments in my running life and I have met some incredible, genuine, and hearty souls. My successes though, embarrassing as it is to admit, come with trials in the way of restriction by my own hands.

Sure, there have been improvements since I purchased my first pair of running shoes over eight years and 100-plus pounds ago.  To me though, there is always better out there for me to achieve. Even on the day of what was arguably my most successful running event, a half marathon in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina just a couple of years back, every effort to reinforce just how happy I was generally met smack dab with a dose of "what if...".

To "fix" or to "straighten out" all that I feel is wrong with me and my running is impossible.  It cannot happen.  That is akin to saying that light can exist without dark or up without down. My ego, or rather how I perceive myself, really has very little to do with who I truly am. Yet it is that same ego that gets in the way.

And so, as it would turn out, I have been creating my own chronic frustration through my efforts to solve the insoluble. In the end, what is occurring is that I am holding on to myself so tightly, I strangle myself.  Paralysis by analysis, if you will. Often times, what is left is the proverbial inability to see the forest through the trees. Much the same way that if you hold your breath, you ultimately lose it.  When you let it go, it will come back to you in a sense of relief.  Withholding it will only lead to suffocation.

All of that to say, all is not lost.  This is not to say that because I am not a "great runner" - whatever that may be - does not mean that I am a not great runner in some semblance of the notion. Perhaps through being more present - and, for whatever reason I find it difficult to be present moment with and with regard to running - and releasing the confines which restrict my thoughts, my beliefs and, I am sure to some extent, my abilities, I can do more and be more.

Very interesting how running has been so much of a learning process.  And I look forward to learning more along the way.  Breathing in deep enough to gain the strength to take that next step forward, followed by breathing out with conviction to make it so.

Twenty-seven days until my date with 50km.  The journey continues.