Releasing the hangups

Patriots Day. Boston Marathon day.  In whichever way you choose to label it, a glorious day on so many levels of humanity. A part of me, as it is well known, struggles with it all at the same time. The celebration of the human spirit, the reward of time, energy, and emotion spent in preparing to run 26.2 challenging miles on a course that would be considered "less than easy" by most, is nothing short of inspiring. And that, unfortunately, is where some of my deepest my running struggles begin.

Long have I held the ideas of that which I should be - in many areas of my life. For the purposes of this exercise though, we will restrict the topic to running. There have been beautiful moments in my running life and I have met some incredible, genuine, and hearty souls. My successes though, embarrassing as it is to admit, come with trials in the way of restriction by my own hands.

Sure, there have been improvements since I purchased my first pair of running shoes over eight years and 100-plus pounds ago.  To me though, there is always better out there for me to achieve. Even on the day of what was arguably my most successful running event, a half marathon in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina just a couple of years back, every effort to reinforce just how happy I was generally met smack dab with a dose of "what if...".

To "fix" or to "straighten out" all that I feel is wrong with me and my running is impossible.  It cannot happen.  That is akin to saying that light can exist without dark or up without down. My ego, or rather how I perceive myself, really has very little to do with who I truly am. Yet it is that same ego that gets in the way.

And so, as it would turn out, I have been creating my own chronic frustration through my efforts to solve the insoluble. In the end, what is occurring is that I am holding on to myself so tightly, I strangle myself.  Paralysis by analysis, if you will. Often times, what is left is the proverbial inability to see the forest through the trees. Much the same way that if you hold your breath, you ultimately lose it.  When you let it go, it will come back to you in a sense of relief.  Withholding it will only lead to suffocation.

All of that to say, all is not lost.  This is not to say that because I am not a "great runner" - whatever that may be - does not mean that I am a not great runner in some semblance of the notion. Perhaps through being more present - and, for whatever reason I find it difficult to be present moment with and with regard to running - and releasing the confines which restrict my thoughts, my beliefs and, I am sure to some extent, my abilities, I can do more and be more.

Very interesting how running has been so much of a learning process.  And I look forward to learning more along the way.  Breathing in deep enough to gain the strength to take that next step forward, followed by breathing out with conviction to make it so.

Twenty-seven days until my date with 50km.  The journey continues.

Putting it all out there

Often times, bearing our souls requires a sense of vulnerability. There are few better examples of this than the distance runner. After having spent time watching the documentary entitled "1Hundred", I found myself amazingly inspired perhaps in a way never before realized.  The film followed a handful of participants in preparing for and in the legendary Leadville 100 mile race in Leadville, Colorado. 

What spoke to me the most clearly was the willingness of the participants to lay everything they had on the line without hesitation.  Sure, there may have been doubts, but the level of commitment from each of them was incredible. There was no quit in them.  Run, walk, crawl...  There was one goal: Finishing. 

To these participants, speed or pace mattered little.  In fact, the level of camaraderie between event organizers, volunteers, participants, and residents of Leadville was impressive. In the end, what mattered was being in the moment, one singular stride at a time. 

This brings me to an interesting point and a revelation of sorts.  

Over the years, I have been fortunate to help hundreds of burgeoning runners get on the path to living a healthier life - one aspect of being. It is easy however to get preoccupied with some lofty standards that we feel, for whatever reason, we should be able to achieve without giving ourselves the opportunity to be and enjoy the ride. 

The subject of being will be discussed in further posts. 

What we wind up missing out on is the pleasure in the moment, the joy in the action of living forward, with eyes and hearts wide open, enjoying the ability to take that next step forward towards finding out who we truly can be. 

With that comes a little bit of a re-branding of this blog, for one, and more will be shared on that at a later time. 

The other take away from 1Hundred, for me, was the notion of "putting yourself out there" with regard to your goals.  Call it a higher sense of accountability, if you will.  For me though, I just want to share the ride. 

So it is with that I will say that I have registered for my first ultramarathon. The Dirty German 50K will take place on May 18, 2014 here in Philadelphia within the friendly confines of Pennypack Park.  Training is going well, focus is strong. 

This experiment of one, this journey to being is now in high gear.